Rejection. It’s hard to not concentrate on the feeling when every passing day the truth becomes stronger, and things become more and more apparent to you. I’m not here to complain, and be extremely negative. But at the same time, I've been looking for a way to vent. I’m going to try and keep this blog as positive as I can. If it comes across incredibly negative then I am sorry. It’s been a difficult set of years since my brother passed that I’m finally beginning to see a bigger picture in a particular situation that involves me with family. As much as I try to be a part of them and want to spend time with them, it all seems that it’s in vein for the simple fact that often times we are left out on things. Always hearing about events days after? Or moments before something is said to take place. In the dark constantly, with no firm communication between anyone on that side. It’s been difficult for me, and after the history that has scarred my life it still shakes down the foundations of which I used to stand on it. I think that my brother was aware of the situation well before I was. He tried to point it out to me several times, but now that he is gone I can see a clearly defined set of circumstances that he once tried to point out to me over and over again. It seems the more that I deal with these particular set of circumstances my pack becomes more clear to me, and the more I begin to write. Whatever the reason is for being constantly rejected, pushed away, and shunned by these particular people hurts. It hurts like a damned knife. But having been writing and continuing on with my pack and watching them from a far I’ve come to an even more clear revelation.
Sure, blood is thicker than water, but at the same time. Sometimes family doesn't always come in the form of that. Something I have learned from writing and watching my characters, is that you don’t need blood relations to feel wanted, needed, or for this matter loved. As much as it pains me, and how much it bothers me, to feel like I’m unwanted or am not important enough to share in their lives. I still have what I would consider my own family standing next to me and by my side. The more I have written and the more their story has played out the more I’ve come to realize that really, me and my main character are not that far off. It’s not like I had planned this thing or anything, it’s just what I’ve written with my trusty pen in a blackened room, with a nice cup of tea by my side. Apparently, just not needed at this point and time, and everyone has become very self-sufficient and they don’t feel the need to want to include me with anything at this time. However, with that said MY family, friends, and whom I would consider blood related demonstrate to me everyday exactly, how much I am needed and that gives me a comforting feeling unlike the cold shouldered, mentality of what I had felt. Which, I might I add is almost comparable to the wind that is blowing outside my window currently. Slowly the delightful cooling breeze of the fall is beginning to become tainted, and spoiled by that of the winter that is quickly approaching. I guess, what I have learned overall and sitting down and writing this blog, is that we are never alone. At the darkest times, when you feel you are don’t.
Though I yearn, for a bit of attention from these particular people, I know now that it might not be a possibility for a week, a month? Maybe longer. But to my family, friends, brothers, etc. I know all I have to do is call them and they will be more than happy to lend an ear and be there for me. If you have made it through the blog, I thank you for taking the time to read my frustrations and let me vent a little. I hadn’t meant for this blog to be too extremely negative but I felt that I needed to vent. Not only that, but it has helped demonstrate to that I have found a way out of this darkness. That, with the power of writing, my imagination, and to those who CHOOSE to surround themselves around me anything is possible. That there is a comfort in knowing I have them when I need them. A quick way to jot down my thoughts, opinions, and my feelings real quick in this short paged blog. I do promise that the next blog WILL BE more positive. Because hopefully by then, I will have two stories to go off to the editor, and I can finally relate and tell you some more information about this upcoming Wolf book that I’ve been writing for almost eight months! For those who have followed me on Facebook and Twitter, I’ve dropped a few hints there but nothing too much. I’d like to talk a bit more about characters, and familiar settings. But until then, everyone be safe and take care! Have a VERY Happy Halloween and thank you again for taking the time to read about my frustrations and feelings and not turning away!
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