Not Unlike The Pack...

     Rejection. It’s hard to not concentrate on the feeling when every passing day the truth becomes stronger, and things become more and more apparent to you. I’m not here to complain, and be extremely negative. But at the same time, I've been looking for a way to vent. I’m going to try and keep this blog as positive as I can. If it comes across incredibly negative then I am sorry. It’s been a difficult set of years since my brother passed that I’m finally beginning to see a bigger picture in a particular situation that involves me with family. As much as I try to be a part of them and want to spend time with them, it all seems that it’s in vein for the simple fact that often times we are left out on things. Always hearing about events days after? Or moments before something is said to take place. In the dark constantly, with no firm communication between anyone on that side. It’s been difficult for me, and after the history that has scarred my life it still shakes down the foundations of which I used to stand on it. I think that my brother was aware of the situation well before I was. He tried to point it out to me several times, but now that he is gone I can see a clearly defined set of circumstances that he once tried to point out to me over and over again. It seems the more that I deal with these particular set of circumstances my pack becomes more clear to me, and the more I begin to write. Whatever the reason is for being constantly rejected, pushed away, and shunned by these particular people hurts. It hurts like a damned knife. But having been writing and continuing on with my pack and watching them from a far I’ve come to an even more clear revelation.
     Sure, blood is thicker than water, but at the same time. Sometimes family doesn't always come in the form of that. Something I have learned from writing and watching my characters, is that you don’t need blood relations to feel wanted, needed, or for this matter loved. As much as it pains me, and how much it bothers me, to feel like I’m unwanted or am not important enough to share in their lives. I still have what I would consider my own family standing next to me and by my side. The more I have written and the more their story has played out the more I’ve come to realize that really, me and my main character are not that far off. It’s not like I had planned this thing or anything, it’s just what I’ve written with my trusty pen in a blackened room, with a nice cup of tea by my side. Apparently, just not needed at this point and time, and everyone has become very self-sufficient and they don’t feel the need to want to include me with anything at this time. However, with that said MY family, friends, and whom I would consider blood related demonstrate to me everyday exactly, how much I am needed and that gives me a comforting feeling unlike the cold shouldered, mentality of what I had felt. Which, I might I add is almost comparable to the wind that is blowing outside my window currently. Slowly the delightful cooling breeze of the fall is beginning to become tainted, and spoiled by that of the winter that is quickly approaching. I guess, what I have learned overall and sitting down and writing this blog, is that we are never alone. At the darkest times, when you feel you are don’t.
     Though I yearn, for a bit of attention from these particular people, I know now that it might not be a possibility for a week, a month? Maybe longer. But to my family, friends, brothers, etc. I know all I have to do is call them and they will be more than happy to lend an ear and be there for me. If you have made it through the blog, I thank you for taking the time to read my frustrations and let me vent a little. I hadn’t meant for this blog to be too extremely negative but I felt that I needed to vent. Not only that, but it has helped demonstrate to that I have found a way out of this darkness. That, with the power of writing, my imagination, and to those who CHOOSE to surround themselves around me anything is possible. That there is a comfort in knowing I have them when I need them. A quick way to jot down my thoughts, opinions, and my feelings real quick in this short paged blog. I do promise that the next blog WILL BE more positive. Because hopefully by then, I will have two stories to go off to the editor, and I can finally relate and tell you some more information about this upcoming Wolf book that I’ve been writing for almost eight months! For those who have followed me on Facebook and Twitter, I’ve dropped a few hints there but nothing too much. I’d like to talk a bit more about characters, and familiar settings. But until then, everyone be safe and take care! Have a VERY Happy Halloween and thank you again for taking the time to read about my frustrations and feelings and not turning away!

Which Wolf Will You Feed?

Which Wolf Will You Feed?

     It has certainly been a while since I've typed a blog. According to my Blogspot here it’s been since June 30th of this year. I apologize for the lack of blog writing, as it is something to do in between writing sessions and it gives me a chance to clear my head a little bit about what I am currently writing about. For those who have been following me, or maybe you aren't quite in the loop My story about my fictional pack is almost complete. One more major obstacle and the book will be finished. I currently have another book that is waiting to go off to the editor’s. It’s a matter of getting everything put together and as of late my schedule hasn’t really allowed me to do much, and consist much of me being in a car. No worries though! It will be done this year. I’m shooting for the next release to be in the summer time of 2014. My Wolf book, I’d like to be in the winter. But we’ll see how things fall. Life has been very busy as of late. So, those who do follow me on Facebook and Twitter, I thank you for all of your support, your responses, and your conversations. Now? Onto my blog now that I’ve given a bit of an update on where everything kind of stands with book releases, and scheduling.
     What an interesting way to start a blog off right? Which Wolf Will You Feed. I’d like to clarify right up front that this has actually nothing to do with Wolves. For those who have followed me on Facebook they know how much I believe in the conservation of Wolves. But not only the Wolves, but for all of the animals really. Since I have started my writing my book I have found how important conservationism really is to everyone. It has brought on a whole new perspective for me and the world that I live in. The title of the blog is really about a Native American short story. I will have it copy and pasted and the bottom for those who are wanting to read it. But the story deals with life, and some of the challenges that come up in life. Recently, I’d have a huge trial that I was dealing with. It dealt with some personal relationships within my family that carried very deep scars. Some of which, have not completely healed over, and still remain fresh. Without giving a lot of details into the entire situation, I will say that conversation was very difficult and hard with this person. It’d gotten to a point that we had completely quit talking. Nothing was happening on either side, and this continued on for almost a month. Then? Out of the blue I received a text message from this particular person apologizing for the absence on their part and how they really wanted to meet up with me again to do lunch. At first? I didn't quite know what to do. I wanted to completely ignore the text message all together and go about my business like I had been. But, I begin to think further down the road and what the possibilities could be. Unfortunately, I lost my brother December 22, 2010. Almost three years ago, and that scar will never go away. The sudden passing had really left a lot of things unresolved between the two of us. Things that could have been said, things that should have been said, and feelings that could have been expressed. That entire situation came to mind as I stared at the text message debating on whether or not to answer it.
     Being a writer it is so easy to think up moral dilemmas and situations to put your characters into. It is completely the opposite when you are dealing with your own personal dilemmas and how exactly to handle these situations. In your novels, short stories, poems, novelettes, and series you know the outcome. The outcome that you have very specified for your character. It’s always within sight as you right. Sometimes you almost curse yourself because dealing with personal issues it’s not always that easy. I stared at the text message for a very good while, and decided I needed a second opinion. I called a very good friend of mine and told him what the situation was. My very good friend is quite the jokster. This conversation for him was the exact opposite and he brought up some good points. Points, that I had already discussed about with myself as I studied this text message that had been sent to me. Life, I have found out is all about second chances. Sometimes, it’s about three or four chances more. This is true to say not only about personal relationships, but very much about things you encounter. Whether your testing for a promotion, you are attempting to publish a book, the beauty about life is that we don’t always have to leave things at only one or two tries. Often times, it takes much more than that to really get at where we are going or where we want to end up with things. He reminded me of all these things and then brought up the real personal facts about this instance. Life can change so suddenly, and so rapidly that these instances where we get these opportunities to really take charge of our own destinies does not happen often, or in my case doesn’t seem to happen enough.
     Just like the instance with my brother, I realized that it’s important to not let these kinds of small opportunities to pass you up. That, if we continue to hold these kinds of grudges against our own family and friends, and even if it was over something small in the end? You really need to ask yourself ‘Is this problem really worth the de-railing of my friendship or relationship with this particular family member’? In this world, that is all we have is friends and family. That is why I embrace anyone and everyone that talks to me. It’s important to have friends and acquaintances. I knew what my friend was talking was straight truth and after hanging up with him, I ended up calling this family member back and we met for lunch. The result? We had completely worked out the issue that we’d been feuding on for a very long time. So, I felt that I wanted to talk with everyone who followed me on Blogspot about this issue. Opportunities like this come up, are not only a chance to help move on with these problems and get them resolved. These opportunities will also help bring closure in case you never get the chance to speak with the person again so you don’t have the guilt of what could have been said or needed to be said hanging now in limbo. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read this, and let me vent a very personal detail with the world. I hope that if you are in a similar situation like I have been. That there is nothing wrong with being the bigger person even if you are the one who instigated it, or you are the person on the receiving end. If these people matter enough to you, then in the end you will find the closure to the problem that is between you and them. The Native American story about the two wolves came to mind after I thought about it some. I've included it below for all to read. It brings up a good point, and begs to ask. Which side will you feed Light or Dark? In the end, when you leave this life how do you want to exit out. I am still in the process of attempting to write a blog about Fan-Fiction but am trying to be very careful about how I write it.

The Story of Two Wolves

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he told the young boy, “a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil, full of anger, sorrow, regret, greed, self-pity and false pride. The other is good, full of joy, peace, love, humility, kindness and faith.”

“This same fight is going on inside of you, grandson…and inside of every other person on this earth.”

The grandson ponders this for a moment and then asks, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?”

The old man smiled and simply said,

“the one you feed.”